This did make me laugh a lot. I felt inclined to share.
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thusto govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen ElizabethII will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, andterritories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will bedisbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whetherany of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rulesare introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" inthe Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skippinghalf the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoftknow on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You willrelearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, ortherapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows thatyou're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled byadults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someoneor speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will berequired if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for yourown good When we show you German cars, you willunderstand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left with immediate effect. At the sametime, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will helpyou understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on callingpotato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried inanimal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beerat all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referredto as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will bereferred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-FrozenGnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play Englishcharacters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in FourWeddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removedwith a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enoughwill, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twentyseconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond yourborders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thusto govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen ElizabethII will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, andterritories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will bedisbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whetherany of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rulesare introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" inthe Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skippinghalf the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoftknow on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You willrelearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, ortherapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows thatyou're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled byadults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someoneor speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will berequired if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for yourown good When we show you German cars, you willunderstand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left with immediate effect. At the sametime, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit ofconversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will helpyou understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on callingpotato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried inanimal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beerat all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referredto as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will bereferred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-FrozenGnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play Englishcharacters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in FourWeddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removedwith a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enoughwill, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twentyseconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond yourborders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
